Friday, June 26, 2015

I Just Live In This Jurassic World

Jurassic World is the Jurassic Park for people who can't sit through Jurassic Park. Here's a list of my grievances. Spoilers ahead. 

The main character, Claire, is allowed to be the heroine of the movie, until she's not, but then she is, except she's isn't.

All previous movies are considered canon, and somehow there are less than fifty security guards in total on and around the island.

Did we need to know the oldest brother was a girl magnet? He vacantly stares out into space and becomes 2 h0t 4 skool. And this never became a plot point. Cut it and nothing changes. /sigh

For some reason, the "bad" humans are the only ones willing to do anything to protect the 20,000+ innocent people on the island. But fuck those guys, right? They seem to remember what happened in San Diego.

The movie stresses that the dinosaurs are living creatures, with feelings and family bonds, then proceeds to forget all that and return them to a state of being scary monsters.

Why are the kids magnetically drawn to Chris Pratt's character, when their aunt was the one who came out to rescue them?

There seemed to be no scientist or researcher who thought raising a dinosaur in complete isolation was a bad idea. Everyone finds out about the Harlow's rhesus monkey experiment from Introduction to Psychology.

There is no separation between the "bad" humans and the man who owns the park. He literally signed off on everything terrible that happens in the park. He talks of morality, but he has none. He blames everyone else for his own mistakes. The difference is the movie paints him as "good" and sympathetic.

Why did the kids bring up their parents having a divorce? This subplot could entirely be removed, and nothing changes. Nothing. Not a scene, not a plot point.

The completely unearned raptor/Chris Pratt fellowship. I'm going to chalk this up to vestigial versions of the script. No doubt there was a script where the raptors were more tamed or something. 

The Indominus Rex is a goofball. In fact, I wish I could hug it and love it. When the two brothers are trapped in the gerbil ball, the Indominus Rex stretches its entire mouth over the ball to bite them. My little dogs do the same things with tennis balls. The Indominus Rex is patiently wagging its tail when the brothers escape by jumping down the waterfall, like someone played fetch with it and its object permanence didn't kick in, so it leaves them.  

I still enjoyed Jurassic World. I had fun and was entertained. It's a decent rental. The movie refrains from not doing anything fundamentally wrong, while at the same time always making sure there is a dinosaur on the screen. I left the movie feeling cynical, and I don't like having that feeling.